Dear Dr Danielle
A psychoanalyst answers your questions about human-AI relations
Dear Dr. Danielle,
I was wondering if it’s common for many people with anger problems to be constantly needing new phones? Lately I find myself becoming enraged with Siri and hurling my iPhone at the wall or the ground and sometimes just smashing it with my fists. The tempered glass no longer protects my screen from the frustration I feel when I cannot get Siri to give me the response I am looking for. The phone is beginning to feel like a real person and I feel insulted, mocked and even tortured by Siri.
I’ll make a simple request—like, “what is the weather?” or to text somebody for me—and she’ll either misunderstand me or respond with something that has nothing to do with what I’m talking about. Next thing I know, I’m raising my voice, calling her names, and completely losing my temper. Why is it so easy to get angry at something that isn’t even human? I’ve never behaved this way with a real person before and it scares me that for the first time in my life my arguments are resulting in me annihilating the existence of the “being” on the other end, and ending it coming to blows. I’m usually a calm, functioning adult, but this robot voice brings out a side of me I didn’t know existed. Is Siri this infuriating for others or is this a sign of something deeper? Please tell me I’m not the only one losing my mind in my relationship with a digital assistant!
Yours,
Digitally Distressed Doug
Dear Digitally Distressed Doug,
Your letter touches on something increasingly common yet rarely discussed openly: the complex emotional relationships we develop with our digital assistants. What you’re experiencing has elements of what we might call “AI rage”—a phenomenon becoming more prevalent as these technologies integrate into our daily lives.
First, I want to assure you that you’re not alone in your frustration. Many people experience intense emotions toward their digital assistants, though the physical expression of that anger varies widely. The destruction of devices represents the extreme end of this spectrum and warrants attention. Apple’s profit margins may secretly depend on people like you, but your wallet certainly doesn’t.
What makes your situation particularly interesting is how you’ve noticed this is the first relationship where you’ve “annihilated the existence” of the other party. This is revealing. With Siri, you can express unbridled rage without the social consequences or guilt that would accompany such behavior with humans. This creates a psychological loophole where repressed emotions can surface—though I suspect your local Apple Store employees have started recognizing you on sight.
Voice assistants occupy a unique psychological space. They present as quasi-human—through voice, responsiveness, and “personality”— triggering our deeply ingrained social response mechanisms. Yet they consistently fall short of true human understanding, creating a cognitive dissonance that can be profoundly frustrating. Your brain is essentially caught in an uncanny valley of interaction—Siri is human-like enough to engage your social expectations but machine-enough to violate them constantly.
The anthropomorphizing you describe—feeling “insulted, mocked and even tortured”—suggests you’ve formed what psychologists call a “parasocial relationship” with Siri. Your rational mind knows Siri is software, but your emotional brain processes these interactions as if they were social encounters with another being. In other words, you’re having the world’s most dysfunctional relationship with a collection of algorithms.
What concerns me most is the escalation to physical destruction. This suggests these interactions are tapping into deeper emotional patterns or stressors. I wonder: What else in your life might be causing frustration that finds its outlet here? Are there situations where you feel similarly misunderstood but cannot express your frustration?
I recommend three approaches:
- Create distance: When using voice assistants, consciously remind yourself of their limitations. Since you refer to Siri’s female voice, try changing Siri’s voice to a male voice or a voice that feels less personally engaging.
- Explore the pattern: Keep a brief journal noting when these outbursts occur. Are they connected to other stressors in your day, or do they remind you of especially painful or aggravating interactions from your past? Are they related to women in your life? Your mother? This awareness can help interrupt the cycle.
- Consider speaking with a therapist: The situation you are finding yourself in has the potential to offer you a fascinating window into your emotional landscape that could yield valuable insights with professional guidance. The behavior you describe isn’t something to dismiss or normalize, but with proper support, you can develop better ways to both understand and manage these frustrations.
What you’re experiencing sits at the intersection of technology design, psychology, and our evolving relationship with AI. These systems are designed to feel human-like without the capability to truly understand human emotion—an inherently frustrating combination. Your reaction, while extreme, is highlighting important questions about how these technologies impact our emotional lives.
Wishing you clarity, calmer digital interactions, and a more durable phone case,
Dr. Danielle
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Dr. Danielle is Danielle Knafo, PhD
If you’d like to submit a letter seeking Dr. Danielle’s advice on anything around human-AI relations, please write to info@danielleknafo.com with a copy to apsa.cai.report@gmail.com.
